It’s hard to broach this difficult topic, but you could try by saying, “I believe Mark is cheating on me. I trust you and wanted to know if you have seen or heard anything to support that. ” By letting the person know what esteem you hold them in, they will be more likely to help you if they can. Try to control your temper when seeking out information from trusted people to confirm the infidelity. They are more likely to clam up if they feel accused or somehow complicit in the cheating.
Check out his social media pages. Are there any unusual posts on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram? Keep an ear out for any odd phone calls he makes or receives.
If your boyfriend is keeping very different hours than he typically does, that is something of note. Is he constantly running late lately when he is usually very punctual? Observe your home life. Are you two people who rarely fight who are now fighting all the time? Think about when any changes in established patterns began and how long they have been going on. Can they be explained another way, such as a large project as work? If not, they could be meaningful. Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship. If you’re normally intimate frequently, but you haven’t had sex in months, there could be someone else in the picture.
If you go this route, stay calm when talking to them. The person you should be mad at is your boyfriend, who had a commitment to you rather than this outsider. It’s even possible they did not know he was in a relationship. You are only talking with them to find out further details. This can be a controversial approach, and so is best undertaken only if you feel calm and comfortable in this conversation. Approach the other person only if you have clear evidence. It’s best to connect in person or on the phone, so they have to contend with the fact that you are a real person. They’re likely to ignore a message. You could call and say, “You may not know this, but Mark and I are in a relationship. I believe you’re having a relationship with him as well. I wanted to talk to you about it. ”[2] X Research source
You could say, “Do you have a good time today or tomorrow for us to talk about something important?” He will likely make time right then and there. Trust your instincts and try not to back out once you’ve set your time. Remain centered, and calm yourself through deep breathing.
Being overly stressed may cause you to attack him, which will make him defensive. The goal of confronting him is to let him know you know and find out any relevant details that have not been revealed.
If he denies an affair, present evidence that proves he’s lying, if you have it. If you do not have firm evidence, you will need to make a difficult decision about whether you can trust him to be truthful about this or not. [6] X Research source
If he wants to stay together that doesn’t mean you need to want that, too. If you find you do want to move forward, though, you’ll need to understand if you have a willing partner or not.
Talking long walks or talking with friends are great ways to work through your feelings.
For example, you might say, “I’ve thought this over, and because you cheated on me, I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. ” Deliver your news in a calm way. Try not to be vindictive, even if you’re hurt. Just because you were not treated well by your boyfriend does not mean you need to stoop to his level. [9] X Research source
For example, if you used to love painting, you might join a neighborhood painting class. The idea is just to connect with yourself as an individual rather than as part of your old couple. It is helpful to take all the time you need to heal before entering into a new relationship. Take the time you need to strengthen your friendships and relationship with family, and learn to take care of yourself before you start a new relationship.
For example, if the person he cheated with is someone you both know, you may need him to stop seeing them even as a friend. Or let’s say your boyfriend’s cheating got started through late night drinking. Maybe he will need to come home by a given time for a month to begin making you feel as though you can trust him again.
You could say to him, “I know you’re going out with your friends tonight. Can you text me after dinner and then again when you’re getting in the cab home so I know what to expect?” Telling one another how you are feeling as you work through the aftermath of this affair will keep you connected. It will also enable him to act in a way that is considerate of your emotions going forward. [13] X Research source If a disagreement about getting married spurred the cheating, for example, you should make an effort to discuss that part of your relationship. You might say, “I understand that you felt unwanted when I rebuffed your proposal. I love you very much, and I do want to marry you one day. I just need to go slow right now, though. ”
For example, if your partner cheated through an online dating site, you might set a rule that every time you come into the room and he is on the computer, you can look over his shoulder to see what he’s doing. This temporary power imbalance can help you restore trust in the relationship, and his small privacy concession shows a willingness to put you first.
A counselor can also help you address underlying issues in the relationship that may have contributed to the cheating in the first place, too. [15] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWRelationship Counselor Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
