For example, use “I” statements instead of blaming your partner. [2] X Research source For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when you act secretively on your phone, and I suspect it’s because you’re talking to your ex. Is there something I should know?” This is much less aggressive than saying, “Why do you act so secretively around your ex?” In healthy relationships based on trust and respect, honest communication is key. [3] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
For example, say, “I want to trust you, but the way you relate to your ex makes me feel unsure. Can you tell me how you feel about trust in our relationship?” If you’ve been hurt in the past, recognize that your partner is not to blame for the hurt you’ve experienced. If you don’t trust your partner, ask yourself why. Staying friends with exes isn’t always a problem, but there should be clear boundaries and the friendship should never infringe on your relationship in any way. [4] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
Say, “It’s hard for me to see you have a friendship with your ex. My trust has been broken before, so seeing you be friendly with your ex makes me feel insecure. ” Your partner’s ex shouldn’t use the friendship as an emotional outlet, as a way to make you jealous, or attempt to keep their conversations secret. [5] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
Talk to your partner about your feelings of respect. Say, “I know you want to be friends with your ex, but it bothers me that you text them every day. Is it possible to have less contact with them?” Trust your gut; if something feels off, speak up quickly and directly. [7] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
Ask yourself what motivates these feelings. Is your partner actually acting suspicious or are you sensitive because you’ve been hurt before? If your partner is being secretive or telling half-truths, say something. For example, you can say, “I see when you turn your phone over or take calls from your ex outside, and it makes me feel suspicious, like you’re hiding something. This is making me feel jealous. ”
Remember that your partner is with you. If your partner says their previous relationship is over, it’s up to you to trust them and know that they want to be with you.
If your partner has friendships with multiple exes, they may want to keep peace and enjoy friendships. Yet, if they single out one person and make frequent contact, this may alarm you more.
Comparing yourself to others can affect your self-esteem and feelings of worth. You can always find something better about someone else than yourself, so don’t go looking.
If you know your partner highly values their friendship with their ex, consider making a move to get to know them, too.
Attending therapy sessions can help to make any concerns you may encounter manageable, decrease tension, build trust and acceptance, and assist with developing good relational habits and coping skills. If both partners are willing to participate in couples counseling, be aware that it will definitely be a positive support for the health and longevity of your relationship.
