It’s not usually a good idea to discuss things like marriage and children right off the bat when you meet someone you’re interested in. For some people, especially older couples, this can work out fine, it’s not always the best way to get to know someone. Your goal for the first days, weeks, and months of a relationship shouldn’t be settling down, it should be getting to know the person. For this reason, it’s usually best to keep long-term conversations out of it, at least for a couple of months. Pay attention to shared values and belief you have with the person. This can help to give you an idea of your compatibility. Introduce your partner to your friends and your family after a couple of months and wait until later to ask what they think about the person you’re seeing. If everyone goes on and on about how happy you seem together, how good you seem to be for each other, and other compliments, take it as a good sign.
Remember, it’s still your relationship, and these decisions are ultimately up to you. If your friends don’t like your partner, that doesn’t necessarily mean more than that they’re incompatible, as long as you’re happy together.
Ask your partner a simple probing question, like “How far do you see this relationship going?” Be prepared for all variety of answers. What does “long term” mean to you? A couple of months? Until the first fight? Or marriage? Kids? Think about scenarios that will help you consider your commitment. What if your partner got a job on the opposite coast? Would you want to move? Under what circumstances would you want to break up?
Recognize incompatibility when it arises. If you want to travel extensively in the next couple years and your partner doesn’t, that’s something you’ll need to talk about. Relationships that manipulate you into doing things that you don’t want to do are not healthy. There’s a difference between being ready for a long term relationship and being ready for a long term relationship with this person. A lot of times, settling down sounds nice, secure, and attractive, but is it right with this person? Right now? That’s something to think about and talk about with your partner.
It doesn’t have to be a big expensive trip abroad to tell you what you need to learn. Just plan a weekend trip camping to see how it goes, or go on a short weekend road trip to visit some family.
Also, pay attention to how well you problem-solve together when you are faced with a conflict. Do you fight, or work together to find a solution? Alternatively, for some couples keeping separate spaces is one of the secrets to long-term success. It’s true that it’s important to have your own space. Nowhere does it say that living together is a requirement of a good relationship.
Even something as small and as low-commitment as a bird, hamster, or rabbit can help you to see your partner’s level of commitment to another life and another member of your twosome. Are they willing to compromise and love, selflessly? Keep your current living situation in mind! In some cases, getting a pet together if you’re not in a stable enough environment can be irresponsible and foolish. Don’t get a pet unless you have the time and resources to devote to it. Be aware that having a child is a much larger commitment than having a pet. These are not equivalent experiences. It is just something you might consider trying to get an idea of your partner’s nurturing skills.
Commitment may be as simple as being open about an “exclusive” arrangement, or as serious as getting engaged, depending on what you’ve discussed with your partner. But committing and choosing to work on your relationship, to make compromises to serve that relationship, is an important step. Generally, it’s expected that a long-term relationship means that you’re not seeing other people, though this is by no means true of all relationships. Don’t take anything for granted. Check with your partner.
The other side of the honesty coin is being a good listener. You need to be there for your partner and be willing to listen to them open up. Make yourself available. Again, what “honesty” means will be different for every couple. Is it absolutely necessary for you to divulge the gritty details of your past to every partner, if you think it might jeopardize your relationship? Only you can answer that question. If it’s keeping you from happiness, tell. If not, consider keeping it quiet.
Address problems as soon as they arise. The worst thing that can happen is ignoring warning signs when they arise to try to keep your relationship at an even keel. It’s important to confront things sooner rather than later. It’s important to recognize the difference between common little arguments that you can work through and serious problems that you can’t. If you have a tendency to fight about the dishes, that’s one thing, but if your partner constantly criticizes you, or makes you feel inferior after a conversation about dishes, that’s something else.
It’s important to avoid situations in which you only spend time with your partner’s friendship group. If your partner has lots of friends, that’s great, but make new friends together. If you break up, it’s tough to feel like you lost all your friends as well. Try finding couples that you enjoy hanging out with, as well as single friends whom you enjoy the company of. [2] X Research source
In the early stages, this might mean things like saving money together, finishing school, securing a career, and other steps to get yourself ready for settling down more comfortably. In later stages, this might mean things like marriage and kids, starting to invest your money, and other family-oriented goals.
Try speaking to your partner in their love language. [3] X Research source This is the way your partner expresses and understands the emotions of love. [4] X Research source
You don’t have to do expensive or things or go on exotic dates to keep your relationship fresh. Going out to dinner and movies is nice, but it’s also great to go hiking together, or give each other massages, or spend a night gaming together. Time spent being active together is good. While it might seem unromantic, it can sometimes be necessary to schedule time to do things with your partner in a long term relationship to remain intimate with one another, and keep your emotional connection alive. Schedule weekly date nights, or monthly weekends away.
Being good means acting in a way that has your partner’s best interest at heart. You have to be good to your partner at all times. Being giving means going the extra mile to make your partner happy. Give a part of yourself to your partner, sharing your interests and your life with them. Be selfless when you’re with your partner. Being game means being up for things you might normally not be excited about. It’s easy to be a stick in the mud about things you’re inexperienced or uninterested in, but if it would make your partner happy, try to be up for it. Could be fun.
You might already know each other well, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep going on dates. Make the time to go out and have fun with each other. Keep your relationship fun and special. Surprise your partner every now and then by making special plans without them knowing. Even things as simple as cooking dinner or cleaning up the kitchen without being asked can score some points. It’s little things that make the difference.
Have your own space, especially if you live together. Even if it’s just your own desk or night stand, it’s important to keep a little space for yourself. Have your own friends and make plans with them independently. If your partner doesn’t like you to hang out with your own friends periodically, that’s a problem that needs to be discussed. Both partners deserve to have their own friends and spend time with them.
